Human Manwich Guy Fieri Opens Terrible Restaurant

The New York Times’ Pete Wells has just written the Platonic ideal of the scathing restaurant review. His target was Guy Fieri’s Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar, which is naturally in Times Square.

Sure, Food Network personality Guy Fieri seems like a gigantic tool — the blond tips on his hair. the loud shirts, Oakley shades, the insistence on pronouncing his last name “fee-ETT-ee,” and not “fee-AIR-ee,” like any good Italian-American I know would… But in the Wells review, published Tuesday, he offers a ferocious takedown of Fieri with a point-by-point description of the restaurant’s flavorless abominations, Times Square touristy chaos, and lousy service, and how that serves as proof of Fieri’s tooldom.

The entire review is in the form of questions directed to Fieri himself. Wells begins by asking “Guy Fieri, have you eaten at your new restaruant in Times Square?

Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex? When you saw the burger described as “Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,” did your mind touch the void for a minute?

Brilliant. It goes on comparing Fieri’s limp creations (many of which, apparently, were ordered but never reached Wells’ table, including his “Vegas fries”) to Fieri’s persona on his Food Network show, “Diners, Drive-Ins, Dives, and Diabetes,” (I think that’s the name). That show celebrates the simple pleasures of un-fancy food. Whereas at Fieri’s restaurant, something as simple as Nachos turns into this:

(How did) nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil? Why not bury those chips under a properly hot and filling layer of melted cheese and jalapeños instead of dribbling them with thin needles of pepperoni and cold gray clots of ground turkey?

In other words: “Big, fat phony seems like he’s a big, fat phony.” Making such observations is one of the fundamental reasons for journalism to exist. Also, “Donkey Sauce?” Fuck that guy.

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